The power of listening skills

Sadly, Listening Skills are not taught at school and unless your profession requires it or you have personal interest, you might never really learn how to listen properly. Or at least understand the power of it.

Yet, if we all listened more, I’m sure there would be less conflict in the world. 

Before you can start listening, you need to be aware of potential barriers. From external distractions like looking at a phone, noise, sound which could be music, but even what other people might be thinking, to perhaps more distracting internal chat in your own mind. Thinking of your agenda, having judgments about the person or what they are saying, thinking that you know better, because ‘you’ve been there, done that’ and so you know exactly what is going on for the other person. Your state of mind and your own problems can also distract you as can your emotions if the topic has triggered strong response or reminded you of something that happened in the past. 

The truth, we can never fully understand what someone is going though even if you have been in a similar situation yourself. And the best you can do is to listen. Practice minimising any distractions and remember that whenever you’re opening a conversation that might be difficult or emotional, make it about the other person. Not you. 

Pay attention not only to the words they’re saying but also to the emotions behind them. To trembling noise when they push back their tears. Listen out for pauses, not to fill them with your own story but to understand that there is a lot of thinking going on. When you give someone space to talk, you’re giving them the opportunity to hear their own story. This might be the first time to they are able to say what they need from start to finish and make sense of what is going on. Interrupting them, by proving solutions or giving advice, as you can see, might not be as helpful as we’d like.

To help you not jump in with your own story, ask questions to find out more but also to clarify the information you’ve just heard. Ask open questions which encourage fuller answers, not just one word ‘yes’ or ‘no’. And then…. listen.

If there is a long silence and the other person asks, why are you not saying anything, simply tell them that you’re giving them time and space to think and say what’s on their mind. 

If I could choose the most important message, it would be: You don’t need to have an answer for everything. Just listening to someone without judgment can make a massive difference.